I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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