now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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