I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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