I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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