I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
