i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
