she was so not down for the gang bang
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?