i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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