I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
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I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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