I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
