im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
