There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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