I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
