Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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