Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
