Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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