some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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