Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
