Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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