the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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