my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
