my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
