"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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