she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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