Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
