remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
