I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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