Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
