I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
