So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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