The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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