I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
