I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
