I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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