i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
