I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
