I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just had sex on a roof
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
