i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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