You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
