My girlfriend figured out who you are.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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