i used baking grease as lip gloss
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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