my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it glows. i had to have it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
