Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
