I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
