i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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