I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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