please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?