I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
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This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
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Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.