Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
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Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.