My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
