They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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