I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
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he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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