They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.