So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
