can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
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The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.