If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit