Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
