I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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