I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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