Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I am naked and annoyed.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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