I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
