Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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