I love black thongs
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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