Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
