you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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