why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
